The First Lesson.
Obedience is the first lesson the child must learn. Not that it is to be taught, or that it can be taught, as a separate science prior to all other experiences. But authority and obedience are complementary attitudes of parent and child, which must be established and maintained as of primary importance in all relations from the earliest age.
A Needed Emphasis.
There is a tendency in modern teaching to neglect emphasis upon this subject of obedience, and in place thereof to put stress upon the idea of “cooperation” between parent and child. The change, however, is in reality only an effort to emphasize the ideal attitude of the parent in government, an ideal too little understood and practiced. Cooperation is the establishing of a state of sympathy between the two parties so that they work to a common aim in the building of the child’s life. To make cooperation effective, the child must recognize that the parent’s judgment is supreme, and will, when necessary, be enforced; and the parent must recognize that the child is not a machine for him to operate as he pleases, but a living soul to be trained for self-government.
It is in place, therefore, to inquire, first of all, what is the necessity of obedience? and second, what is the proper attitude, and what is the right method in teaching obedience?
Why? “The child must obey the parent.” We all agree. But why? Right here you find the reason why so many parents fail to secure obedience from their children, or secure only tardy and unwilling obedience. It is because the parent does not understand why the child should obey him, so the parent has not made the necessary preparation of his own mind, and spirit, and will, to secure the obedience of the child. In answer to our question, “Why must my child obey me?” you hear the chorus: “Because I say so;” “Because my word is law;” “Because I am his father - or his mother.” But still permit me the insistent questioning of childhood: “Why do you say so?” “Why is your word law?” “Why, indeed, are you his parent?” You do not, in those answers, go to the root of the matter; you do not give any real reason for obedience.
The Child’s Benefit.
The reason that the child must obey his parents is that he must for his own good choose the right course of action, and he has not yet had the experience nor developed the judgment to determine in all cases what is right. The parent is intended by God to be the better judge of what is right, because of his experience and study of life; therefore because he can, supposedly, because he ought to be able to, certainly - select for his child those courses that are for the child’s best good, the child should obey the parent. Now the parent who demands obedience from his child merely because that parent will get some benefit or pleasure from his child’s obedience, is not answering God’s design, and has no real basis for his demand. The obedience that he exacts may often be more damaging than beneficial to the child’s character. Always, in the parent’s mind, directions and commands to the child must be for the child’s benefit.
Example.
How shall we begin to teach obedience? First of all, we would emphasize the necessity of obedience on the part of the parent. This is a factor that is too often ignored or merely taken for granted. The parent who would teach obedience must himself be obedient. God is our Father. What we learn of His will, what He tells us to do, we ourselves, parents, must be faithful in doing, if we would teach our children to do what we would have them do. And the reason is the same: God knows better than we what choice we should make, and it is for our best good to be obedient to Him.
Source of Authority.
Only the parent who is obedient to God can successfully teach his children obedience. This is so because, first, the mental attitude of the parent is affected by his own consciousness of obedience or disobedience, and he is able to require obedience in the right spirit only if he has that consciousness of his own obedience. It is so because, second, the child, with his growing years and powers of observation and reflection, will increasingly perceive whether or not his parents live according to law, and he will more and more measure his own duty by their performance of theirs. In appetite, in temper, in industry, in manifestations of love, parents must obey divine law, and in the degree they do so they will be able the better to teach obedience to their children.
Love.
The habitual attitude of the parent toward the child in all their relations largely determines how readily and rightly the child will yield obedience. The other large factor in obedience is, of course, the natural disposition of the child. Some children are more difficult than others to control and direct - but curly maple may by right treatment be made more beautiful than soft white pine. The parent must always deal with his children in love. This does not mean soft sentimentality, giving up to the child’s whims and fancies. It does mean that the father’s and mother’s heart shall be knit with the heart of the child, and it does mean, also, such manifestations of love in caresses, in talks, in association at work and play, in gifts and manner of giving, as will keep the child wrapped in the warmth of conscious love. The lack of this manifestation of love is fatal to obedience, as to every other right relation. You will observe that this attitude of love is not the matter of a moment or a day merely, but of every moment of every day of every year of the associated life of parent and child.
Time to Begin.
When shall we begin to teach obedience? As soon as the child is born. The basis of obedience is the establishment of a program and faithful adherence to it. Let the habit of obedience, then, be implanted in babyhood, by the establishment of a rhythmic life, and let it be consistently maintained in the growing child by a calm insistence of the parent upon his own judgment of the child’s needs. There will be a broadening of the field of operations, - new interests enter the child’s life, new attractions and impulses constantly develop, and with these the parent must successively deal. But let the cardinal principle always be kept in mind, that the purpose of parental government is to train the child in self-government.
Growth in Self-Determination.
Let us not think that we are to demand the same sort of obedience from children of sixteen years of age that we demand of children one year of age. The purpose in obedience, let us remember, is to secure the right course for the best good of the child. Through the years of childhood and adolescence, the purpose of the parent must be to develop the experience and the judgment of his child so that the child can better and better make his own choice between good and ill, better and worse. It is a great principle of the art of family government to enlist the will of the child upon the side of the parent in the decision of all matters. Thus the child will form the habit of coming up to decisions, not with the spirit of rebellion, but of reason, and so he will gain more fully the power to use good judgment in making his own decisions.
To do this, parents must observe these principles:
Correct Judgment.
Cultivate in yourself the ability to make correct judgments. Be not hasty and ill considered in deciding what your child must do, but be willing to know his reasons and to consider them. On the other hand, do not hesitate and waver. Reserve your decision until you have made up your mind from the evidence; then stick to it kind but firmly.
Cooperation.
Keep yourself in an attitude of cooperation with the child. Oppose his will as little as possible. Rather, lead his will. To do this you have to be forehanded. No parent can afford to wait for his child to suggest everything he wants to do; for often he will want to do the wrong thing, and then the parent is thrown into the position of opposer. Of course this will occur often enough in the case of every active-minded child; but it will be greatly lessened by the parent’s suggesting courses of action, and leading in them: what to play, what to make, where to go, stories to tell, books to read, outings to be taken. The power of suggestion, used regularly and opportunely, will do away with much opposition.
Substitution.
But if the child does propose what the parent cannot approve, then the parent should be ready with a substitute proposal. If Polly cannot go out in the rain, mother will be Mrs. Smith-of-the- Avenue, and Polly, dressing up in some of mother’s clothes as Mrs. Jones-of-Broadway, will pay her a call. If Dickie cannot go with the fellows on a week’s unsupervised canoe trip, daddy will plan for a camping-out with him and the fellows over the week-end or for a fortnight. Invention and resourcefulness must be studied by parents in substituting good courses for questionable courses.
Few Commands.
Make as few commands as possible. Give your child liberty of action. You do not have to watch every little thing about his conduct and be continually admonishing him. Such a practice leads to nagging. Overlook small deficiencies, and concentrate on broad lines of teaching.
Have few rules, and so far as possible make them positive rather than negative, “Do’s” rather than “Don’ts.”
Not that “Don’ts” have no place - sometimes it is necessary to say, “Don’t” - but the more “Do’s” in comparison to “Don’ts,” the greater progress.
Rights.
The child has rights; they should not be invaded with too many and too minute prohibitions. He has a right to live a natural life—to play in the sunshine and the water and the sand, to get gloriously dirty and hungry and tired.
The child has a right, especially as he grows older, to some liberty of action. Rules there should be, simple and reasonable, to uphold right doing, to keep the conventions, and to maintain home life; but they should not make a prison of home. If home is so attractive and mother so dear a companion as ought to be, the law of attraction will mostly solve the problem, and make discipline easier; if they are not, no number of laws can supply the lack. True, a boy runs the danger of drowning if he goes swimming or skating; but then, he might get lockjaw at home from a rusty nail, or the chimney might fall on him. The girl or boy may come in contact with evil, somewhere, sometime, if they mingle with other children (and truly it is better for parents to be with their children, especially the very young, when away from home), but if righteousness is rooted in them by the teachings of home, they will, like the tree on the windy height, strike their roots the deeper for the storm.
Duties.
But while the child has rights, both physical and social, he also has duties. And he must be taught that as his rights are accorded him, so must he accord to others their rights, of which his due service is one. He has the duty to be, like his mother and his father, cheerful, helpful, self-sacrificing. He must help to the extent of his powers in performing the work of the house and the garden, and within reason (for clothes to the boy are only outer skin, and dishes to the girl something to be quickly gotten rid of) be careful and saving. He has the duty to be truthful, courteous, reverent, clean - absolutely so in mind and approximately so in person. And that he may develop all these virtues, he must be obedient to his parents’ teachings and directions.
Approve.
Seek to approve rather than to condemn. This is directly contrary to human nature. We pass by silently the things of which we approve, but we are aroused to eloquence of denunciation by the things we disapprove. The underlying cause of this is the lack of abounding love. Cultivate, therefore, the happy, cheerful, approving state of mind that springs from love. When Bobby brings his handful of flowers, badly selected and badly arranged though they be, show your delight in his thought for you. When Betty puts into your lunch a “s’prise” package of the little cake she has baked, cuddle her up in your arms at night and give her forty-‘leven kisses for it. When daughter has given up with tears and smiles her desire to read a piece of fiction you disapprove, tell her how proud you are of the woman who is growing up. When son turns down the invitation to the “joy ride” because you stiffen his faltering will, give him a squeeze that will make the sacrifice worthwhile to his mind.
Smile, approve, commend. Do not frown, nor scold, nor condemn. Do as little as possible of disapproving.
Loyalty.
Give the children a pride in being obedient. Obedience consists not merely of obeying particular commands that you may make on occasion; obedience includes loyalty to principles and right practices that you teach them right along. And you must rely upon this teaching of right principle rather than upon constant individual commands, to build up character in your children. Instead of antagonizing them by your commands, get their cooperation, ally them with you in the feeling of loyalty to these principles: you and they together are loving subjects of the great King, who delight to do His will and keep His laws. Teach them that they have a standard to uphold by being obedient to these principles, even at times when none but they and God can know. By this method, you will find it unnecessary to be so constantly giving special commands to your children, and you will find that a great help to obedience.
The Measure of Fitness.
We must learn, and put into our character, patience, courtesy, reverence, truthfulness, honesty; we must familiarize ourselves with and gladly practice true principles in diet, dress, order, cleanliness, exercise, and rest, if we would teach our children to have sound bodies and strong souls. Is it worth the exertion, the effort, the struggle, the prayer, the self-control and denial; is it worth all that, day by day and year by year, to make our children grow up noble men and women, instruments fit to the hand of God? The answer in your daily life will be the measure of your fitness to be a parent.
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